I wrote, I admit, therefore I am

If I may ask you....

Have you ever had that feeling where in you woke up early in the morning, feeling restless already. forcing yourself that you have to get ready for school not because you’re feeling lazy but you just don’t feel like going and because you don’t  have any motivation. So, throughout the day when you’re at school you keep telling yourself  ‘that you’re going to get through this day, you have to’ and then with in the day you’re going to have a good laugh and joke with the people in school like you’re classmates, schoolmates or your professor and for a while it felt so good and somehow you forget whatever personal issue you dealing.  you feel like staying a little longer at school even if it seems like everyone has probably gone home already or some maybe out somewhere doing crazy stuff that anyone at your age feels like doing  and you being left out realizes you must be going home as well. And now you’re alone at home you don’t feel like talking and you're just in your room ,isolated, you just burst out-CRYING. 

And then the same routine for the next morning, and the next day and so on.

Or have you ever felt that when you go to your school, you go to your classroom, you got your pen and notes, you try to listen with what you’re professor is saying and then you’ve got some of your classmate participating and there you are sitting in the same room as everybody but then you didn’t understand anything, so you feel dumb, you feel useless, you feel like you just want to go out and never comeback and you’re asking yourself “what am I doing here? Why am I here? “And then your head hurts, because in as much as you try to figure out the reason or even when you already realized the reason and you know you could actually do something about it because you have a choice, (we always do) but somehow along with that feeling you also felt like there is something that pushing you not to do it and rather you try to find for a reason to endure it until the end.

                Because that is how I felt, everyday when I was still in College.

                Actually I loved going to school, I enjoy being on school, as I am always alone at home. Especially when I was in high school, aside from I am that kind of person who always eager to learn ; I’m actually an active student on some extra-curricular activities, except sport. I participated on various clubs. When I was in high-school I’m also part of the CAT, I even landed as the Corps S1 and I was one of the ever busy student back then, I love hosting various events and acting as a representative in behalf of the students for some of our school programs. But it feels that all of it just fade away when I was in College, all of a sudden I felt I became a different person, contrary from how I was already during high/grade-school. 

Do I have regrets?

 Obviously I do. But is there anything I can do about it? 

No and Yes. 

No, because clearly it’s already in the past  So, technically there’s nothing I can do now to go back in there and change any of it. Sure, I have some mistakes, -a looooot of it, so now I’m dealing with the consequences. 

And Yes, Because I'd like to believed that whether all of it happen because it's supposed to happen or not, I still have a future, so I still have a chance to do what I want or become the person I've always wanted to be.