I wrote, I admit, therefore I am

If I may ask you…

Have you ever had that feeling where you wake up early in the morning already feeling restless? Forcing yourself to get ready for school—not because you’re feeling lazy, but because you just don’t feel like going? You have no motivation, but you push through anyway.

And throughout the day, while you’re at school, you keep telling yourself, “I just have to get through this day. I have to.” Then, at some point, you share a good laugh and joke around with your classmates, schoolmates, or even your professor. For a little while, it feels good. You momentarily forget whatever personal issues you’re dealing with.

You feel like staying a little longer at school, even though most people have already gone home or are out doing the typical things people your age do. But eventually, you realize you have nowhere else to go, so you head home too. And once you’re alone in your room, isolated from everything, you just burst into tears.

And then, the next morning, you do it all over again.

Or have you ever felt that moment in class when you’re sitting there, pen in hand, notebook open, trying to listen to your professor? Your classmates are participating, engaging in discussions—yet you sit there, unable to grasp anything. You feel dumb. You feel useless. You feel like you just want to get up and leave, and never come back.

You ask yourself, “What am I doing here? Why am I here?”

Your head starts to hurt because, deep down, you know you do have a choice—you always do. But at the same time, something inside you is holding you back. And instead of making a change, you find reasons to just endure it until the end.

Because that’s exactly how I felt every single day when I was in college.

The ironic part? I loved going to school.

I enjoyed being there because I was always alone at home. Especially in high school, I was the kind of student who was always eager to learn. I was active in extracurricular activities—except sports. I joined various clubs, became a part of the CAT, and even served as the Corps S1. I was always one of the busiest students. I loved hosting events and representing my fellow students in school programs.

But somehow, when I got to college, all of that just faded away.

Suddenly, I felt like a completely different person—nothing like the version of me I had always known.

Do I have regrets?

Obviously, I do.

But can I do anything about it?

No and yes.

No, because it’s already in the past. I can’t go back and change any of it. Sure, I made mistakes—a lot of them—and now I have to deal with the consequences.

And yes, because I’d like to believe that whether everything happened the way it was supposed to or not, I still have a future. That means I still have a chance to do what I want and become the person I’ve always wanted to be.