Dear future boyfriend,

Here are some of the few things I think you should know about me:

1. I'm awkward. As in really awkward.
Sometimes I am difficult to talk to, and really confusing.
Either, I may blab a lot the first time we'll meet or I tend not to speak at all.

2. I'm like a collection of paradoxes.
My feelings tend to change very so often.
Sometimes I feel confident, other times I feel super shy.

3. I don't normally do well in situations.
Most of the time I ended up doing and saying the wrong things.

4. I don't really like dwelling with complicated situations or scenarios.
I don't like nagging and I don't like being nagged, basically I'm usually annoyed by arguing or confrontations. Just be calm.

5. I may not look like it but I'm actually a cowboy, you can bring me anywhere, wherever, though I may seem like enjoying my lone time at home, I actually love travelling or going into places, getting the chance to meet all kinds of people and experiencing different things.

6. There will be times when I'm very quirky, talky and fun, but I also have some psycho moments when I would preferred to be by myself, alone with my thoughts.

7.I am also the queen of epic failures.
I'm really clumsy, no matter how much I tried or maybe sometimes I am over doing it, but either way I usually ended up failing.

8. I may not be or most probably I may be, the most understanding person you'll ever meet. I do rant random stuff sometimes as part of being a girl, but I'd preferred listening. Just talk about anything, I really enjoy senseless convo about life, love and basically anything under the sun.

9. I really as in really really hate negative people. I despised people who seem to can always see the negative things in every situation or other people. I am not being irrational, of course I know we have to see the bigger picture, but there's just a difference between being negative and being realistic.

10. I usually feel burden when other people do stuff for me, I don't feel comfortable seeking help or asking favor from other people. I'd rather do it by myself, though I don't like being ask to run around as well.

11. I'm a sucker for respect, we may disagree about this but more than love I'd preferred to be respected. Pride is nothing if I really love you, but love is nothing if you have no respect.

Be-YOU-tiful ^_^

I struggled a lot to fit in as a teenager—perhaps like anyone else. I was trying to figure out who I was (and still am) and what my purpose in life might be. I felt torn between what I genuinely liked and what I thought I should like based on society’s expectations. I struggled to find my own voice, to speak up—a constant battle between what I believed was right and what was deemed acceptable by the majority.

I also experienced being bullied, though not to an extreme degree. Some kids despised me, probably because of the way I talked, how different I was from them, or perhaps because they saw me as a threat. I guess even among adults, this is common—whenever someone is perceived as “weird” or different from their idea of normal, the initial response is often ridicule or exclusion. And their excuse? It’s just for fun. Even when it comes at the expense of someone else’s feelings.

As I grew older, my anxieties and insecurities only deepened. I struggled even more to relate to people my age. There were countless times I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere—always the last option, the backup plan. Maybe that’s why I preferred talking to people much older than me. Perhaps it’s something that happens when you grow up as an only child without many other kids to play with. I wasn’t even allowed to watch TV or cartoons.

College wasn’t what I had imagined—it often felt like hell. Sure, I had more freedom, but there were so many nights when I cried myself to sleep. It didn’t help that I didn’t even like my course. I felt like a robot, just going through the motions. I couldn’t bring myself to speak up to my parents, and I felt completely alone. Even after graduating, things didn’t get better. In fact, they got worse. I struggled to find a job. I was terrified. I didn’t know where to start or where to go. I felt lost.

I couldn’t even find the courage to ask for help, so I went through it all alone.

But through it all, I learned to embrace my independence.

I know that who I am today is because of everything I’ve been through, and I wouldn’t change any of it. I’ve always felt alone—back then, and even now. But the difference is, I think I understand myself better. I’m still alone most of the time, but I don’t feel lonely as much anymore.