The Peace After

I don’t forgive you,

and I don’t wish you well.

Not out of pride,

but because I’ve learned peace

without handing you the gift of my grace.

I moved on without letting you off the hook.

Not everyone earns closure,

or softness,

or the mercy of being seen as gentle

when they were anything but.

You wrecked me,

then walked away

as if it were ordinary—

as if love is meant to leave bruises,

as if I should be the one

patching the holes you carved in me.

But I am done carrying the timber and guilt

for a bridge you never cared to cross.

No, I don’t forgive you.

I outgrew you.

I outlived the version of me

who waited for an apology

you were never brave enough to give.

I don’t cradle hope anymore—

hope that you’ll return,

that one day you’ll change,

that it ever meant more to you

than convenience.

I’ve found peace in knowing

you were a lesson—

a bitter, unearned wound

I survived anyway.

And that's enough.

a love note from highschool

**
wouldja believe it took me 16 years to find out who this Mr. X and James were? Kklk. Hahaha! To this day, we’ve never spoken tho, turns out, he was actually the quietest one in the class—such a weirdo. How did I find out, you might ask? Well, I recognized the penmanship, and it had been sitting in my head for so long, but I only got the chance to ask him directly just recently. That’s when he told me that, yes, he wrote it—but it was actually for his friend. And I was just like, "Oh, that explains that incident.

I wonder how he’d react if he found out naman that my BFF then, the ‘it girl’ (pageant girl) of our school, was the one who had a crush on him, maling ghorl ang sinulatan mo boi, bakit kase yung pauper (being ze boyish and dugyot me) dapat dun ka sa hawt chick. tsk.

Tbh, I never put much weight on this kind of stuff (most especially when i was younger) because I never truly believed it. Actually, I only realized the letter was for me when a classmate found it, casually started reading it aloud like it was some morning announcement, and kept going until—bam—my name came up ( and a sudden wave of embarrassment). But let’s be real, who in their right mind would send me a letter unless they had awful taste, were being forced into it, or just had really bad eyesight? or maybe I’m just skeptical, but I just don’t think anyone would be interested or intrigued by me nman kase nohh, I never thought I was attractive, even back then, and honestly, I was just kind of… dull person ya know. 

Pero the guy went from barely speaking to me, to saying “ang ganda mo" (yep, this was the incident during our prom night, when he finally gathered the courage to ask me—apparently, only me—for a dance where he said those words.) ONCE, to writing a letter professing his love? Hindi ba sus ‘yon? Trying not to judge him, but heyyy, we’ve had zero convo!?, uhh-kay ...fyn, I think the letter came first before the prom thing situation , but still—how can you profess your so-called love to someone when you don’t even know a thing about them? I mean, does he even know my favorite color, my favorite food, or what kind of TV shows I watch? 

ugh. You get the point. Haha! Ohhhh, high school days.  Zzzzz. 

oh, that suddenly reminded me of another cousin of theirs who contacted me out of nowhere and eventually asked for my hand in marriage—just kidding! he just asked if pwede daw ba manligaw. A few days later, he came to my school to visit, but I was so busy so when I finally went down to see him, He had just left, leaving some gifts behind. sooo how weird was that?

I could probably ask for an explanation, but I don’t think I’d get a proper or appropriate one—other than maybe it was just for fun (trip lang nila). I could also ask someone who claimed to have seen him, but apparently, she passed away during the COVID-19 pandemic.

so ayun lang ang chika.

10 Favorite Food

 

1.     Fettuccine Alfredo

2.     Ramen  

      

3.     Adobo

 

4.     Sushi/Sashimi

5.     Xiao Long Bao

6.     Dumplings

7.     Kimchee Rice

8.     Steak

9.     Batangas Lomi

10.   Laing

 

A Typical Day in my Life (2020)

Since I started working from home as an ESL tutor, there have been quite a few changes in my routine. One major change is waking up early in the morning because I usually have early classes. I’m so used to staying up really late, and I really like the darkness—well, I still do. If I don’t have an early shift or any plans the next morning, I’ll still stay up late. Some of my friends even call me a vampire, for obvious reasons, and also because they rarely see me outside—especially when the sun is out.

I usually try to wake up at least an hour before my shift (5:00 AM—I start later now since COVID-19; it used to be 3:00 AM). While prepping, I listen to some pop music to wake myself up. My schedule varies, but I usually open two classes, which means I teach for an hour before getting ready for any booked classes. Oh, and before all that, I make sure to drink at least one glass of warm water (gotta stay hydrated!). I used to drink two, but now I feel like I was overloading my system, so I’ve cut it down to one.

After that hour, I’ve realized I need to allow time for breakfast too (which I never used to do). So, I take about 30 minutes for breakfast, and then, if I have another booked class, I continue teaching—usually until just before lunch (11:30 AM–12:00 PM).

On days when I don’t have early classes, I sometimes use that time to exercise for 20–30 minutes.

I still live with my parents, so my mom usually cooks lunch. Sometimes, if I have spare time between classes or don’t have any booked sessions, I’ll cook as well. Once I’m done with work, I have lunch.

After that, it’s my free time. If I don’t have any plans (like grocery shopping or running errands), you’ll usually find me reading a book (recently, I’ve been into mangas), watching random videos online, binge-watching TV dramas, or trying to catch up on sleep—especially if I didn’t get enough the night before (which is almost always… night owl, eh?).

At home, I make sure everyone eats dinner before 6:00 PM. I like to have dinner at least 2–3 hours before bedtime, which, in my case, is even longer since I usually have trouble sleeping—especially without music.

Sometimes, after dinner, if my internet is stable and I feel like it, I’ll open more classes for another 2–3 hours. It really depends on the day, but I hope I can do it consistently. Another new habit I’m trying to add to my routine is practicing my writing—like this!

One last thing: I need music to sleep. If there’s no music, I simply won’t be able to fall asleep. It has to play the whole night because if it suddenly stops for any reason, I’ll automatically wake up—no matter how deep my sleep is.

  

So there you have it! That’s my typical day throughout the week. I sometimes get even busier on the weekends, though.

What Makes Me Excited (during the pandemic)

This is kind of tricky—I feel like so many things excite me, yet at the same time, nothing really makes me feel giddy. Lately, though, one of the things that gives me that kilig feeling would probably be the characters from the books I’ve been reading. I’ve actually been into quite a few YA novels lately. And I guess… that’s it.

Honestly, we’re living in such strange times that I sometimes wonder if it’s even okay to feel cheery about something without feeling somewhat guilty. But I suppose that’s just part of it. Writing about these little joys doesn’t make me any less sympathetic to what’s happening in the world.

Another thing that excites me is the arrival of my delivery packages. In a time when we’re mostly forced to stay home (not that it’s a big deal for me since I already work from home and enjoy solitude anyway), having something to look forward to—like a package arriving—adds a bit of excitement to the day. Even though I’m generally okay with staying in, it’s still different when you know you can’t just go out freely. So, getting a delivery feels like a small but happy distraction from the anxiety and uncertainty of the world right now.

Of course, I also get excited whenever it’s that time of the month—payday! I mean, who doesn’t, right? No matter how small or (hopefully) big my paycheck is, it always brings me joy.

I’ve always been the loner type, but sometimes I get excited when I meet an interesting student in my class (I work as an ESL tutor, by the way!). It’s like meeting new people with different perspectives, just in a virtual way. It makes me feel less lonely, too. And the best part? I don’t even have to go out! That’s definitely a plus, especially right now.

  

 

 

My Favorite Things

      

               

https://soundcloud.com/ieasha-112001-1/blah-blah  

Being someone with a complicated and conflicted personality, I find it really hard to pinpoint what I specifically like or what sets one thing apart from another. Actually, even if push came to shove, I probably still wouldn’t be able to choose. I’d most likely just pick something at random without much thought. Maybe it’s because, no matter the outcome, I usually just roll with it.

…Uh, okay, now this is starting to bore me. I’m supposed to be listing some of my favorites, but instead, I’m being way too vague and am already on the verge of abandoning this whole thing. Lol.

Uhmm, let’s see—I like reading books… sometimes. I’m not really the typical bookworm who always has their nose in a book. It all depends on whether a book truly catches my interest. Some of my favorites include All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven, a heartbreaking story about two young people finding solace in each other while dealing with emotional scars from their pasts. I also love Dark Places and Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn—both are about horrible people doing horrible things, which I find oddly fascinating. Then there’s One of Us Is Lying by Karen McManus, A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson, and, of course, The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.

Since I mentioned that I like reading, I realize it’s not just books—I enjoy reading anything that sparks my interest. It could be a simple passage from a book, inspiring quotes, poems, blog posts, or even magazine articles.

I haven’t been watching TV dramas much lately, especially K-dramas, but I do have a few favorites: Scarlet Heart: Ryeo, She Was Pretty, Because This Is My First Life, Hotel Del Luna, Cheese in the Trap, Pinocchio, Kill Me, Heal Me, Go Back Couple, Signal, Angel Eyes, Love Rain, Missing You… and so on.

A bid of goodbye to a good friend.

 Your passing came as a shock—just like when Kane died. But what saddens me even more is that, because of the unfortunate circumstances in the world (due to the COVID-19 pandemic), I couldn’t even attend your wake to bid you a proper farewell. I feel guilty for not knowing how bad your condition had become. While I was aware of your illness, I had no idea how severe it truly was. It must have been incredibly lonely and difficult for you, especially in these past few months.

When I heard about your passing, I couldn’t believe it—I was in denial. But then again, that’s always how it is, isn’t it? I just couldn’t accept it. You were still so young. I thought you were living a healthy life, that you were okay… at least, that’s what I believed.

I was suddenly reminded of the letter I gave you back in college—a small proof of your kindness. I’m not usually the type to write letters, but for some reason, I did for you. Even now, I don’t fully understand why. All I remember is that, in that moment, I felt the urge to let you know how much I appreciated you—simply for being you. I have so much respect for people who are unapologetically their authentic selves, and that was you. You weren’t just kind for the sake of it—it was simply in your nature. And that’s exactly why I adored you. I needed you to know that.

I’ve always been drawn to the odd, the eccentric, the different—and maybe that’s part of why I liked you so much. You had such a unique personality.

I can only hope that now, you are in a much better place—free from pain, away from the suffering you endured for so long. You fought so hard, and now, you deserve peace. Hopefully, you’re reunited with your mom.

You will be deeply missed.

May you rest in peace Kupkeyk.