a love note from highschool

**
wouldja believe it took me 16 years to find out who this Mr. X and James were? Kklk. Hahaha! To this day, we’ve never spoken tho, turns out, he was actually the quietest one in the class—such a weirdo. How did I find out, you might ask? Well, I recognized the penmanship, and it had been sitting in my head for so long, but I only got the chance to ask him directly just recently. That’s when he told me that, yes, he wrote it—but it was actually for his friend. And I was just like, "Oh, that explains that incident.

I wonder how he’d react if he found out naman that my BFF then, the ‘it girl’ (pageant girl) of our school, was the one who had a crush on him, maling ghorl ang sinulatan mo boi, bakit kase yung pauper (being ze boyish and dugyot me) dapat dun ka sa hawt chick. tsk.

Tbh, I never put much weight on this kind of stuff (most especially when i was younger) because I never truly believed it. Actually, I only realized the letter was for me when a classmate found it, casually started reading it aloud like it was some morning announcement, and kept going until—bam—my name came up ( and a sudden wave of embarrassment). But let’s be real, who in their right mind would send me a letter unless they had awful taste, were being forced into it, or just had really bad eyesight? or maybe I’m just skeptical, but I just don’t think anyone would be interested or intrigued by me nman kase nohh, I never thought I was attractive, even back then, and honestly, I was just kind of… dull person ya know. 

Pero the guy went from barely speaking to me, to saying “ang ganda mo" (yep, this was the incident during our prom night, when he finally gathered the courage to ask me—apparently, only me—for a dance where he said those words.) ONCE, to writing a letter professing his love? Hindi ba sus ‘yon? Trying not to judge him, but heyyy, we’ve had zero convo!?, uhh-kay ...fyn, I think the letter came first before the prom thing situation , but still—how can you profess your so-called love to someone when you don’t even know a thing about them? I mean, does he even know my favorite color, my favorite food, or what kind of TV shows I watch? 

ugh. You get the point. Haha! Ohhhh, high school days.  Zzzzz. 

oh, that suddenly reminded me of another cousin of theirs who contacted me out of nowhere and eventually asked for my hand in marriage—just kidding! he just asked if pwede daw ba manligaw. A few days later, he came to my school to visit, but I was so busy so when I finally went down to see him, He had just left, leaving some gifts behind. sooo how weird was that?

I could probably ask for an explanation, but I don’t think I’d get a proper or appropriate one—other than maybe it was just for fun (trip lang nila). I could also ask someone who claimed to have seen him, but apparently, she passed away during the COVID-19 pandemic.

so ayun lang ang chika.

10 Favorite Food

 

1.     Fettuccine Alfredo

2.     Ramen  

      

3.     Adobo

 

4.     Sushi/Sashimi

5.     Xiao Long Bao

6.     Dumplings

7.     Kimchee Rice

8.     Steak

9.     Batangas Lomi

10.   Laing

 

A Typical Day in my Life (2020)

Since I started working from home as an ESL tutor, there have been quite a few changes in my routine. One major change is waking up early in the morning because I usually have early classes. I’m so used to staying up really late, and I really like the darkness—well, I still do. If I don’t have an early shift or any plans the next morning, I’ll still stay up late. Some of my friends even call me a vampire, for obvious reasons, and also because they rarely see me outside—especially when the sun is out.

I usually try to wake up at least an hour before my shift (5:00 AM—I start later now since COVID-19; it used to be 3:00 AM). While prepping, I listen to some pop music to wake myself up. My schedule varies, but I usually open two classes, which means I teach for an hour before getting ready for any booked classes. Oh, and before all that, I make sure to drink at least one glass of warm water (gotta stay hydrated!). I used to drink two, but now I feel like I was overloading my system, so I’ve cut it down to one.

After that hour, I’ve realized I need to allow time for breakfast too (which I never used to do). So, I take about 30 minutes for breakfast, and then, if I have another booked class, I continue teaching—usually until just before lunch (11:30 AM–12:00 PM).

On days when I don’t have early classes, I sometimes use that time to exercise for 20–30 minutes.

I still live with my parents, so my mom usually cooks lunch. Sometimes, if I have spare time between classes or don’t have any booked sessions, I’ll cook as well. Once I’m done with work, I have lunch.

After that, it’s my free time. If I don’t have any plans (like grocery shopping or running errands), you’ll usually find me reading a book (recently, I’ve been into mangas), watching random videos online, binge-watching TV dramas, or trying to catch up on sleep—especially if I didn’t get enough the night before (which is almost always… night owl, eh?).

At home, I make sure everyone eats dinner before 6:00 PM. I like to have dinner at least 2–3 hours before bedtime, which, in my case, is even longer since I usually have trouble sleeping—especially without music.

Sometimes, after dinner, if my internet is stable and I feel like it, I’ll open more classes for another 2–3 hours. It really depends on the day, but I hope I can do it consistently. Another new habit I’m trying to add to my routine is practicing my writing—like this!

One last thing: I need music to sleep. If there’s no music, I simply won’t be able to fall asleep. It has to play the whole night because if it suddenly stops for any reason, I’ll automatically wake up—no matter how deep my sleep is.

  

So there you have it! That’s my typical day throughout the week. I sometimes get even busier on the weekends, though.

What Makes Me Excited (during the pandemic)

This is kind of tricky—I feel like so many things excite me, yet at the same time, nothing really makes me feel giddy. Lately, though, one of the things that gives me that kilig feeling would probably be the characters from the books I’ve been reading. I’ve actually been into quite a few YA novels lately. And I guess… that’s it.

Honestly, we’re living in such strange times that I sometimes wonder if it’s even okay to feel cheery about something without feeling somewhat guilty. But I suppose that’s just part of it. Writing about these little joys doesn’t make me any less sympathetic to what’s happening in the world.

Another thing that excites me is the arrival of my delivery packages. In a time when we’re mostly forced to stay home (not that it’s a big deal for me since I already work from home and enjoy solitude anyway), having something to look forward to—like a package arriving—adds a bit of excitement to the day. Even though I’m generally okay with staying in, it’s still different when you know you can’t just go out freely. So, getting a delivery feels like a small but happy distraction from the anxiety and uncertainty of the world right now.

Of course, I also get excited whenever it’s that time of the month—payday! I mean, who doesn’t, right? No matter how small or (hopefully) big my paycheck is, it always brings me joy.

I’ve always been the loner type, but sometimes I get excited when I meet an interesting student in my class (I work as an ESL tutor, by the way!). It’s like meeting new people with different perspectives, just in a virtual way. It makes me feel less lonely, too. And the best part? I don’t even have to go out! That’s definitely a plus, especially right now.

  

 

 

My Favorite Things

      

               

https://soundcloud.com/ieasha-112001-1/blah-blah  

Being someone with a complicated and conflicted personality, I find it really hard to pinpoint what I specifically like or what sets one thing apart from another. Actually, even if push came to shove, I probably still wouldn’t be able to choose. I’d most likely just pick something at random without much thought. Maybe it’s because, no matter the outcome, I usually just roll with it.

…Uh, okay, now this is starting to bore me. I’m supposed to be listing some of my favorites, but instead, I’m being way too vague and am already on the verge of abandoning this whole thing. Lol.

Uhmm, let’s see—I like reading books… sometimes. I’m not really the typical bookworm who always has their nose in a book. It all depends on whether a book truly catches my interest. Some of my favorites include All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven, a heartbreaking story about two young people finding solace in each other while dealing with emotional scars from their pasts. I also love Dark Places and Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn—both are about horrible people doing horrible things, which I find oddly fascinating. Then there’s One of Us Is Lying by Karen McManus, A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson, and, of course, The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.

Since I mentioned that I like reading, I realize it’s not just books—I enjoy reading anything that sparks my interest. It could be a simple passage from a book, inspiring quotes, poems, blog posts, or even magazine articles.

I haven’t been watching TV dramas much lately, especially K-dramas, but I do have a few favorites: Scarlet Heart: Ryeo, She Was Pretty, Because This Is My First Life, Hotel Del Luna, Cheese in the Trap, Pinocchio, Kill Me, Heal Me, Go Back Couple, Signal, Angel Eyes, Love Rain, Missing You… and so on.

A bid of goodbye to a good friend.

 Your passing came as a shock—just like when Kane died. But what saddens me even more is that, because of the unfortunate circumstances in the world (due to the COVID-19 pandemic), I couldn’t even attend your wake to bid you a proper farewell. I feel guilty for not knowing how bad your condition had become. While I was aware of your illness, I had no idea how severe it truly was. It must have been incredibly lonely and difficult for you, especially in these past few months.

When I heard about your passing, I couldn’t believe it—I was in denial. But then again, that’s always how it is, isn’t it? I just couldn’t accept it. You were still so young. I thought you were living a healthy life, that you were okay… at least, that’s what I believed.

I was suddenly reminded of the letter I gave you back in college—a small proof of your kindness. I’m not usually the type to write letters, but for some reason, I did for you. Even now, I don’t fully understand why. All I remember is that, in that moment, I felt the urge to let you know how much I appreciated you—simply for being you. I have so much respect for people who are unapologetically their authentic selves, and that was you. You weren’t just kind for the sake of it—it was simply in your nature. And that’s exactly why I adored you. I needed you to know that.

I’ve always been drawn to the odd, the eccentric, the different—and maybe that’s part of why I liked you so much. You had such a unique personality.

I can only hope that now, you are in a much better place—free from pain, away from the suffering you endured for so long. You fought so hard, and now, you deserve peace. Hopefully, you’re reunited with your mom.

You will be deeply missed.

May you rest in peace Kupkeyk.

Looking back at how I live my life,

Looking back on how I’ve lived my life, I never imagined I’d reach this point of realization. My life isn’t perfect, but I can honestly say that where I am now is far better than where I was before. I feel happier than I’ve ever been—or maybe I’ve just learned to appreciate life more in general.

A lot has changed, especially in how I see life. My perspective on what truly matters has shifted. The things I once thought I couldn’t live without now seem almost embarrassing to look back on. I’ve always considered myself a simple person, but now I appreciate the beauty of living simply even more.

Of course, I’m still struggling with certain aspects of my life, but I’ve become more positive—or perhaps just more realistic. I’ve learned the beauty of acceptance: if things go as planned, great! And if not, well, better luck next time—on to the next.

I understand myself so much better now. I’ve gained more clarity about what I truly like, what’s okay, and what’s not. It’s funny how the things I used to give so much attention to no longer seem important at all.

Amazing Seiji

So, I recently started working as an ESL tutor, and the guy in the picture was one of my students. Before our class, I was able to get a preview of him since previous teachers can leave comments, which are available for others to see. Reading through the evaluations, I was honestly a bit creeped out because every tutor seemed to say the same thing about him.

Apparently, he does the same routine every day, and it has been going on for the past two years. First, he shows pictures of flowers he says he took. Then, he shares pictures of his two-year-old granddaughter. After that, he meditates. Out of nowhere, he suddenly reads Chapter 29 from Anne of Green Gables, then meditates again. At some point, he plays Amazing Grace on his harmonica. And then… the cycle repeats.

I felt nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t want to rely too much on the previous teachers’ comments or judge the student before even meeting him. At the same time, I didn’t want to dismiss the teachers’ observations—they had every right to share their experiences.

And then, I finally met him.

They were right.

I didn’t know how to feel—I was conflicted. At first, I was both excited and nervous. But as our session went on, I found myself feeling both happy and sad at the same time. I struggled to put into words what I had just experienced.

I used to think that being a psychologist or psychiatrist might suit me. But after that encounter, I started to question myself. If I were to face a similar situation—or something even more bizarre —how capable would I really be?

Despite how excited he seemed about his routine, I just couldn’t share the same feeling. I was deeply anxious . There was something almost beautiful about seeing him in his own world, completely oblivious to reality. In a way, I even felt a bit envious of him. But at the same time, I couldn’t shake the sadness.

One thing is for sure, though—that experience made me reflect on a lot of things in my life.

I knew you're not the one.

I see it now.

I was just amazed at how blinded I was when we were together. Maybe a big part of me was naive because I never knew someone like you existed—that’s why I didn’t notice the red flags right away. I thought that if I was more understanding, if I tried harder, you might see it in yourself to change and become a better person. But I was wrong, of course. I didn’t realize it back then, but now I do—people like you will never change. Never. You might not even realize there is something wrong with you because you think you’re better than everyone else.

I can’t believe I wasted my tears on someone like you.

Yes, you succeeded in manipulating me, making me believe everything you said. But at least not for too long—just long enough for me to realize that what we had was never real. You just made me believe it was. And I’m so glad I’m over it now.

What were the signs?

Your silent treatment. Especially when we had different opinions about something—you’d either walk out and not talk for days or explode in anger. It felt like you were always looking for something to argue about. And you always had to win. In your delusional mind, you were always right. Even when it was clearly your fault, you’d dig up something from the past to use against me so you could get away with what you did. You would even twist my words until I found myself defending myself for things I didn’t even do. You always made me feel guilty just to manipulate me into doing what you wanted. You dismissed my feelings, made me feel like I was overreacting, and accused me of playing the victim—when in reality, you were the one doing just that. One minute we were okay, and the next, we weren’t. We were so different.

Your trust issues. Your paranoia. I still don’t understand where this ridiculous idea came from—that I was talking about you or exposing your bullshit to others. Seriously? Just f*cking annoying. No matter how many times I told you I wasn’t, you kept insisting I was. Like, why would I even do that? Gaaahd. And then you’d twist it back on me, claiming I was the paranoid one. See how scared you were for people to know what an asshole you really are? What a con man. You claimed you didn’t care what people thought about you, yet you were terrified of what I might say. And most of the time, I just let it go—because keeping the peace was easier. I don’t even know if we ever had a decent conversation without me feeling like I was walking on eggshells.

Your mood swings. Either you were blaming your ex for your behavior or telling me horrible stories about her—painting her as the villain so I would end up feeling sorry for you. You never took responsibility for your actions. It was always someone else’s fault. And the worst part? Whenever you were in a bad mood, you made me feel guilty—as if I should be miserable too. And if I wasn’t? You’d get mad. It was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. But of course, you wouldn’t understand that. Because you don’t care. You never did.

Because for you, it was always about you.

Your wants.

Your needs.

You thought the world revolved around you.

Because you’re self-centered.

A narcissist.

A Mr. Know-It-All.

A manipulative coward.

I was naive, yes.

I thought I was in love.

I thought I was doing the right thing—because when you love someone, you fight for them, right?

I can’t believe I ever thought you were capable of love when you don’t even love yourself.

I was sad for a while, sure.

I even blamed myself for falling for your bullshit.

It was painful, overwhelming even.

But then I realized—you weren’t worth it.

And you never will be.

Leaving you was the best decision I ever made.

I danced with the devil and lived.

And because of that, I came out stronger. Smarter.

I realized my worth.

Thank you for that.